I.S.E.B. · FOUNDED IN A HURRY, 2020

Bump to Be Alive

The International Society of the Elbow Bump. Guardians of the most dignified greeting humanity improvised in a single afternoon and never quite gave back.

THE DOCTRINE

The handshake had a good run.

For three thousand years we offered each other our palms. Then, one spring, the elbow stepped forward. It asked for nothing. It was already there. The Society exists so that this moment is never forgotten, and never performed sloppily.

  1. The elbow is offered, never thrown.
  2. Eye contact is held for the full duration of the bump, approximately one heartbeat.
  3. A bump may be declined only with a respectful nod of equal depth.
  4. No member shall convert a bump into a hug without a second, written consent. A raised eyebrow counts as written.
  5. Sound effects are tolerated. Commentary is not.
Close-up of two elbows in tweed jackets touching, like a handshake, on a deep blue background
THE OFFICIAL TECHNIQUES

Six bumps. Learn them in order.

Each technique is assessed by the Technical Committee, which meets twice a year in a ballroom we have not been able to rent.

TECHNIQUE I

The Classic

Right elbow to right elbow, at the height of a polite conversation. The foundation of everything.

Difficulty: one elbow out of five
TECHNIQUE II

The Ambassador

Performed with a slight bow and the left hand placed on the heart. Reserved for in-laws and notaries.

Difficulty: two elbows
TECHNIQUE III

The Double Parallel

Both elbows, simultaneously, like two ships agreeing on a border. Requires trust and a wide corridor.

Difficulty: three elbows
TECHNIQUE IV

The Grocery Bag

Executed while both parties are carrying shopping. The elbow is the only free limb, and it rises to the occasion.

Difficulty: three elbows and a baguette
TECHNIQUE V

The Slow Approach

Initiated from six meters away. Both parties walk toward each other, elbows raised, for an uncomfortable length of time.

Difficulty: four elbows
TECHNIQUE VI

The Phantom

The elbows stop one centimeter apart. Nothing touches. Everything is understood. Masters only.

Difficulty: five elbows, plus silence
WORLD RANKING

The Grand Table of Elbows

Updated whenever the Committee remembers. All members below are fictional, which has never stopped them from training.

#MemberSignature movePoints
1Baroness Ottilie Fenwick-Strand
Has not shaken a hand since 2020, on principle
The Phantom9,412
2Mr. Gustave Pellerin
Bumped an entire wedding in under four minutes
The Slow Approach8,970
3The Hollingworth Twins
Compete only as a Double Parallel
The Double Parallel8,233
4Dr. Ines Abarca-Lund
Doctor of Elbows, honorary, self-awarded
The Ambassador7,005
5A very good dog named Pudding
Disqualified, then reinstated after an appeal
Paw (unofficial)6,999
?You
Candidate member, assessment in progress
To be determined0
THE CEREMONIAL CHAMBER

Present your elbow.

Each press of the brass button counts as one bump, performed in perfect form and recorded in the register of this very device. Nothing leaves your browser. The Society does not believe in paperwork.

0
Unranked Civilian

The Committee awaits your first bump.

THE OATH

To be read aloud, elbow raised.

I greet without grabbing.
I arrive at the correct angle.
I bump the tall and the short, the shy and the loud, the cousin I had forgotten.
I remember that the point was never the elbow.
The point was still being here to bump it. Recite once. Then go and bump someone you love.